MEDIATION: a HEALTHY WAY TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS |
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Mediation is a voluntary process in which a trained mediator works with parties in conflict to help them change the quality of their conflict interaction from negative and destructive to positive and constructive, as they discuss and explore issues and possibilities or resolution. Mediation can be applied to a wide variety of conflicts including but not limited to the following: divorce, shared parenting issues, consumer disputes, neighbor to neighbor conflicts, landlord-tenant conflicts, interfamily conflicts and co-worker conflicts. The process is also utilized to help corporations, businesses and agencies come to consensus on organizational conflicts and issues.
Divorce mediation is a non-adversarial alternative to the traditional divorce in which couples have an opportunity to negotiate a settlement and make informed decisions for themselves and their families. Unfortunately, each year, hundreds of thousands of parents find themselves in courtroom and custody battles fighting over their children, property and money. Research into the effects of divorce on children makes it clear that the divorce itself is not per se harmful to children but rather the battle that can ensue within the context of the conflict and hostility between parents in the typical divorce. To avoid the emotional toll on their children and to maintain control of their own lives, an increasing number of couples are choosing mediation as the way to end their marriage while planning to continue partnering as effective parents. Couples are finding that many of the decisions necessary in the divorce settlement process need not be made by lawyers and judges. They are finding that the courts, which are useful in assigning guilt and awarding damages, are no place for a family in crisis to work out their future.
In divorce mediation, the mediator assists the couple in exploring and developing options for the ongoing parenting of their children, and in identifying, securing and understanding the information necessary for a realistic financial and support settlement. The mediator assists in the communication process so that a rational discussion can take place with each person having the opportunity to listen and to be heard. Because the focus is forward-looking, the mediator directs the discussions away from past hurts and towards future concerns.
Divorce mediations are comprised of several sessions focused on relevant topics such as parenting, financial matters and support. The couple is encouraged to consult with other professionals throughout the process. For example, accountants and financial planners can offer advice about investments or complex tax matters. Each spouse should have access to his or her own legal advisor, but it is important that the attorney is clear as to what his or her role is in the process. A couple who has chosen to mediate their divorce does not need adversarial representation, nor do they need their attorney to negotiate with another attorney on their behalf. However, at various stages of the process, the mediator may advise one of the parties that a specific issue should be discussed with their attorney. This attorney provides legal advice and reviews the final agreement. Information received from these various professionals is then shared and discussed at the mediation.
There is a growing body of research comparing mediated divorce and custody cases with traditionally litigated cases. The results show that mediation reduces conflict, improves communications and produces better more detailed agreements in less time and at less expense than the conventional divorce process. Compliance in all areas of settlement is higher when agreements are arrived at through a mutual discussion rather than imposed on an individual by a court or attorney. Child support payments are paid more reliably when the agreement to make them has been mediated. The parent who pays support for the children often agrees to pay for more “extras” (expenses over and above the basic child support levels) and is more likely to provide for college expenses. In the area of custody, mediation results in more “joint custody” agreements and expanded contact arrangements between children and their non-custodial parent, helping to alleviate one of the most traumatic effects that loss of the traditional family structure can bring.
Mediation saves money and time. It is not unusual for a litigated divorce to cost between $10,000and $20,000 and take months (sometimes years) to be finalized. In mediation, the negotiation, deliberation and communication are conducted by the couple themselves. As a result, they are able to maintain control over the process as they focus on making informed decisions for themselves and planning healthy futures for their children. A mediation with substantial areas of dispute may cost between $750 and $3,000 per couple and can often be completed in 2-4 months or less. This savings in cost and time is felt even when attorney and other professionals are consulted because the type and amount of services provided by those professionals is controlled by the parties.
Who Can Use Mediation?
Most divorcing couples are able to use mediation successfully. It is important to remember that conflict and anger are both typical parts of a divorce, and increased tension in a couple’s life should not be considered an obstacle to a successfully mediated resolution. In a successful mediation, the natural, negative emotions of divorce are redirected in such a way so as to arrive at a forward-looking settlement that enables the family to move forward with their lives.
There are some couples for whom mediation may not be appropriate. Active drug or alcohol abuse or severe mental illness will usually prevent a spouse from being able to effectively negotiate on his or her own behalf, express realistic needs and wishes or keep agreements in good faith. When a spouse conceals assets or lies about family finances, a fair and enforceable settlement is not possible. In instances of domestic violence, past or present, the fear and intimidation can be so great as to cause an inability to communicate one’s interests so that mediation would be inadvisable. When there is a question as to whether mediation is appropriate, the problematic issues should be evaluated by a mediator who can advise as to how the process can work for the couple.
If you are involved in a conflict and would like to learn more about mediation and how participation in this process may be helpful or would like more information on this service, please contact Marianne Lindau, LCSW at Sunbridge Health at (814) 867-0670.
