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Successful parenting strategies |
Looking for ways to improve your parenting skills and have your children listen to you? Have you “tried everything” with no success? Do you want a healthy relationship with your children that is based on mutual respect? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions please read on.
Below are ten strategies that are designed to improve your relationship with your children and reduce the amount of stress and conflict within your home.
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and help them feel loved. If children are disciplined in this respect, they will be less likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, or deviant behavior to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten strategies will help you use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 – Be Genuine, and Remember, Quality not Quantity
Your child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with them, not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child genuine attention throughout the day, they will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child’s mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, “Mommy, you never spend time with me” (even though you just played with them) they are expressing what they feel. It is best at these times just to validate their feelings by saying, “Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.”
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become “parent deaf!” Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, “What action could I take?” For example, if you have nagged your child about turning their clothes inside out when they take them off, then only wash clothes that are not inside out. Action speaks louder than words. It is also important to remember to pick and choose your battles. Not all battles need to be fought.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful and Support Their Independence
If you don’t, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power and become independent. Ways to help them feel powerful, valuable, and support their independence are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all or part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn’t interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don’t need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets their lunch, you don’t bring it to them. Allow them to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return their video and you ground them for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for them and either deduct the amount from their allowance or allow them to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if they want to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat. If you react, they will see the reaction and continue to use the tantrum or disrespectful language to attempt to have you give in. While it is not always easy to avoid reacting, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. When children don’t get the reaction they are looking for they often alter their approach.
7 - Separate What They’ve Done Versus Who They Are
Never tell a child that they are bad. That tears at their self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like them or that they are bad, it is their behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have a healthy self-esteem, they must know that they are loved unconditionally no matter what they do. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from them. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if they aren’t dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick them up and take them to the car. They have been told they can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick them up, yet firm by picking them up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for an immediate solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent.
Children learn what they live, and if they live in an environment filled with hostility, fear, and physical discipline, they will grow up and mature thinking this is the way “it should be” because that’s how they grew up. If they grow up in a loving, caring, tolerant but firm environment where their parents took the time to interact and bond with them this is how they will go on to live their lives. Which would you rather they have?
10 - Be Consistent and Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when they get to the store, do not give in to their pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say and are consistent in your approach.
Remember, your commitment to these strategies is just as important as the strategies themselves. It is important to remain committed even in the midst of every day stress. Your laundry, dishes, checkbook, and all other daily tasks aren’t going anywhere. Your children are though; they are growing up and will eventually become adults that go off to live on their own. Take the time to help them be as best prepared for the world ahead now; you can take care of the little things later on. And most of all, remember that children are just that, children, they like to have fun and be kids, it’s ok to be a kid with them at times. Enjoy your time with them as much as you can!
